I am constantly looking over my shoulder. I worry and fear that something that I’ve done has destroyed some kind of delicate balance in the universe. Sure, that may sound a bit pompous. I mean, really, who can honestly say they were so important that a large group of people or at least a segment of the world needed them around? Obviously, a small amount. In fact, the important people I can think of are government officials or maybe even scientists working to cure cancer.
Since I am neither of those, it can sound a bit self gratifying that I would think I could cause a great disturbance to the Force. Yes, I made a Star Wars mention. Anyway, the likelihood that I am one of those people is preposterous and yet I find myself second guessing everything I do. I guess that’s what anxiety is all about.
I am constantly asking my husband or parents if I made them upset. I am constantly looking through the internet to see if what I blog about is: A. offensive, B. not allowed in the blog by blog power holders, and C. illegal in the internet and international sense. I re-read posts and edit them to the point that P.C. isn’t even a term to describe my amount of paranoia.
The ONLY time I feel like I’m not hurting someone in the world is when I’m writing. At least I KNOW when I’m hurting or going to hurt someone in that world. To be honest, it’s great for people with control issues. Just think about it, writers CONTROL through their writing. We, or at least I do, CONTROL the characters and we know what is going to happen to them. It’s when we can no longer read their minds or see their motivations that we are in reality.
I would like a day to never have to think that way. I want to be able to see the world the way people without anxiety live. I am now thinking about The Little Mermaid.
Anyway, I truly want that for myself. I want this little monkey off my back. I want to look at myself in the mirror and say confidently that not only am I not that important to the grand scheme, but I’m happy about that. I want to put that blind faith and trust in a higher power without wondering if I am wrong because so many other people think I am. Because, if I am wrong, what does that mean for children who think the way I do? What does that mean for good, honest people?
I mean, how can one group of people say that another’s beliefs are wrong? If group A have strong convictions, they should trust that their higher power is okay with group B or else higher power would never had made them. Meanwhile, I’m in group Z, still trying to figure myself out by writing and still looking over my shoulder wondering who the next person I offend is.